I Wanna Scream
by Iamakunoichi
Summary: Tony's feelings after Gibbs came back.........postHiatus. Inspired by cedera
1. Chapter 1

I Wanna Scream

**I Wanna Scream**

by Iamakunoichi

**A/N: Tony's feelings after Gibbs came back…..postHiatus. Inspired by cedera.**

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters

Chapter 1

Tony wonders how long he can keep this up. How long before he can't hide the hurt anymore, and the mask slips and breaks. He wonders if anyone will notice. Probably, if only because he wouldn't be as 'immature' as usual. Would they care? Not likely. Not unless he got in the way of their precious Gibbs.

It's not that Tony's resentful of the older man – not really. Why would he be? Gibbs was what the team wanted, and now they had him back. And the strangest thing was, he had wanted him back too.

So when Gibbs asks if there's a problem, Tony responds, "Not really." And he's being honest for once. Because there is no problem. The team got what they wanted – and what they wanted wasn't him.

Still, he wished he could have been warned, you know? It would have been nice to be told he was only a temporary replacement, a "you'll have to do", to be cast aside as soon as Gibbs returned from his little vacation. Because then he wouldn't have bothered. He wouldn't have bothered trying to move on, trying to be strong and a good team leader. Besides, it's not like anyone cared.

Every time he entered Abby's lab, Gibbs's face stared at him from a half a dozen screens. And it hurt. He knew Abby and Gibbs were close, he knew she missed him – but it still hurt.

Every time he did something in a leader capacity, he was always compared to Gibbs. " Gibbs would have done it this way." Or "Gibbs wouldn't have done that." He wanted to scream at them, "I'M NOT GIBBS!" He wasn't Gibbs, and he wasn't ever going to be Gibbs. He was Tony, and he was going to lead them the best way he knew how, not Gibbs's way.

Yet it seemed the only time he got any respect was when he channeled Gibbs. If he gave them the 'Gibbs stare', the team would hop to – if only for a little while. Then, invariably, they would always come back and snipe, " You're not Gibbs, Tony." As if he was a little boy playing make-believe.

He wanted to scream at them. He couldn't believe it. Did they honestly think his immaturity was the only part of him? Did not one of them look underneath to find the agent that had solved countless murders and busted drug rings, or the man that was always ready to do what he had to? But no, they deemed him "insufferable" and undermined his authority. Lee was the only one that truly respected him, even if only a little bit. And Lee had been tossed out on her ear when Gibbs returned, hadn't she?

The only one who he could slightly relate to was Ducky. But Ducky was mostly just annoyed by Gibbs abrupt departure, and Ducky didn't really believe in Tony's leadership abilities either.

All in all, the Director probably treated Tony the best. She respected his judgement and relied on him as an invaluable member of the team. She offered him his own team in Spain, but he turned it down. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now? He wasn't so sure.

But Tony didn't give up. He struggled on. And when he thought finally, maybe he had gained the trust of his team, Ziva went and got herself framed. But did she go to Tony? No. Instead, she called her 'true' leader. Gibbs, half a world away in Mexico.

Gibbs came to save the day, of course. Never mind Tony, he's not any use. And all the respect and authority Tony had built up to that point was tossed out the window. And when Gibbs came back, Tony was kicked out of the leadership seat as if he had never been there, merely a placeholder until Gibbs got back.

And Tony could have handled that. But it didn't stop there. Did he get any praise for trying to be a good leader, for putting up with all the crap he had? No. Not from anyone. Not Gibbs, not his team, and not the Director. Instead they took turns making fun of him, of his _demotion_. Ziva especially. When he complained, McGee had the gall to tell him that if he were such a good team leader, then the Director would have offered him a promotion. He almost cracked then. But still he kept silent.

He wondered if he had really been such a bad team leader. Because, really, everyone seemed to be celebrating the fact that he was gone more than the fact that Gibbs was back. And he remained quiet. If he showed any glimpse of the hurt he was feeling, they brushed it off as the wounded pride of an overlarge ego.

Not one of them guessed what Tony really felt. When Gibbs came back, he retreated behind his immature antics, hiding behind the mask that had never failed him before. And no one – not one single soul – noticed.

As so Tony suffered quietly, covering up how betrayed he felt with smiles and laughter. But a person can only take so much before they snap….

TBC

**A/N: This is my first NCIS fanfic. I'm not sure if I entirely liked the way it turned out, but I kinda just did stream of consciousness….**

**Anyway, please review! Thank you!**


	2. Chapter 2

I Wanna Scream

**I Wanna Scream**

by Iamakunoichi

**A/N: Tony's feelings after Gibbs came back…..postHiatus. Inspired by cedera.**

WARNING: lots of cussing and Tony screaming in this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters

Chapter 2

Tony sat back at his old desk now, his 'senior field agent' desk. Not that he minded…ugh, who was he trying to kid? Tony was pissed. Gibbs just up and left without a word of warning, just "you'll do." He left Tony in charge, and Tony had done his damn best to lead the team, despite the many obstacles (such as his team members). Then Gibbs comes back without warning anyone, and kicked Tony out of his desk as if he had never even been there. He didn't apologize – not that Tony expected it, but it would have been nice – and he didn't even acknowledge Tony's hard work. Hell, a simple "thank you" would have been nice!

And yet everyone else was happy. "Yay! Gibbs is back! No more stupid Tony." They didn't say those exact words, but that was basically the gist of it. Tony had lost count of how many times he had been insulted now – he had been called immature, an idiot, a pretend Gibbs, insufferable, a baby for being depressed about his demotion. Apparently Tony's feelings on the matter weren't important.

Ziva had told him to stop crying and suck it up. And yet Tony remembered a time when he had said something very similar to her, after she had made one of her "Gibbs could've done it better" statements. He had told her, "I'm not Gibbs, am I? Gibbs is gone, Ziva. It's time you accepted that." Her eyes had looked so hurt by his outburst that he had gone back later and apologized. But Ziva gave him no apologies.

Abby had tutted at his behavior as if he were an errant child. She was kind about it, but he got the distinct impression that she thought of him as a five-year-old who was sulking because he didn't get to be leader. He stood impassive as she scolded and explained why he shouldn't be upset over his demotion, and scrambled out of the hug she gave him afterward (because Abby was that sort of person) as soon as possible.

Even Ducky was no help. After a few days of giving Gibbs the cold shoulder, Ducky became a Gibbs-worshiper like everyone else. He had never truly respected Tony to begin with, even if he had never intentionally undermined Tony's authority. In fact, Ducky tended to take Abby's view of the matter. Lee had, of course, been booted off the team as soon as Gibbs returned, and it was no use talking to the Director. As much as she liked Tony, the woman was enamored with Gibbs.

Later Tony had walked in on Ziva and Gibbs having a 'private' conversation – about him. Ziva was listing off all the flaws with Tony's leadership, starting with the 'disrespect' she felt he displayed towards his teammates. Gibbs said nothing, and to Tony, that was almost as bad. He stepped back feeling sick, as if someone had punched him in the stomach.

The final straw came when McGee – good old Probie - started ragging on Tony. He criticized Tony's behavior as a leader and how he was behaving now that Gibbs had returned. Could his ego not handle being demoted? Finally, McGee once again had the guts to suggest that maybe Tony wasn't as good of an agent as he thought, since he was being demoted. That did it. Tony finally snapped.

"SHUT THE HELL UP MCGEE!!" Tony shouted. Heads turned all across the bullpen. Abby, who was upstairs at the time, gasped in shock. McGee looked shocked beyond belief (and kinda like he was about to piss his pants). Gibbs raised an eyebrow. Ziva said condescendingly, "Tony, you were demoted. Deal with it. You don't need to take it out on McGee."

Tony looked at her incredulously, still furious. " Is that what you think this is about?! A stupid DEMOTION?!" "Isn't it?" Ziva challenged. Abby began hurriedly, "Look Tony, I know you're upset, but we talked about this-" "SHUT UP!!" Tony bellowed.. Abby shut up with an 'eep' looking very surprised and like she was about to cry. No one ever shouted at Abby. Gibbs began to stand up. "DiNozzo, quit being an ass."

This enraged Tony more. " Being an ass?! You have no right to lecture me about being an ass, you BASTARD!!" No one had ever talked that way to Gibbs before. His eyes narrowed, "DiNozzo-" Tony cut him off before he could begin. '"No Gibbs, you shut up and listen to me." His eyes burned, and his voice was like ice. Miraculously, Gibbs shut up.

" I worked my ass off for you." Tony growled in a low tone. " You just up and left, without a word to anyone. Did you ever think how betrayed that would make us – would make me – feel?" Gibbs gaped at Tony. Truth be told, he hadn't thought about it. He just assumed everyone would be better off without him. He didn't think about it, but he was probably the closest thing DiNozzo had to family – and he hadn't even said goodbye.

Tony wasn't done. "But no, you left, an you left me in charge. Not a single goodbye, just 'you'll do'. And you know what? I tried to be a good team leader, really I did. I worked my ass off, I stood strong and didn't allow myself to grieve, and I had to establish a completely new team. But apparently I didn't do a good enough job."

Tony was shaking with rage now as he addressed the whole team. "Do you know what happened when I tried to lead the team? I was insulted, defied, screamed at, and could never, ever be as good as Gibbs was." Here the team started to look a bit ashamed of themselves. Tony ranted on, " Everything I did, I was constantly compared to you, Gibbs. The only way I got any respect was if I channeled 'Gibbs'. But even that didn't work, because then I was yelled at for pretending to be you." Ziva looked down at the ground.

"But you know what? I kept trying. I tried to show that I could lead without being Gibbs. I got a new agent – did you even bother to find out her name before you kicked her off the team?" Gibbs began to look uncomfortable.

"And when I finally think that maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to get a little respect, Ziva got herself framed and went running to you. Never mind how I felt about it – it's impossible for DiNozzo to have feelings, right?" Tony's voice cracked as he said this. Abby was trying not to cry. " And then you came back, and I was demoted. And I could've handled that. I could've handled having you shove all my things off my desk. After all, everyone else seemed perfectly happy, and everything became exactly the way it was before – except for, of course, DiNozzo's 'attitude problem'." Tony snorted. "Did you honestly think I couldn't hear you, as you counted up a list of my faults? Or did you just not care? Ziva thought I was disrespectful, but you know what? So was she. I did what I had to – she questioned the orders of a commanding officer." Ziva's expression was a cross between humiliated, angry, and ashamed of herself.

" And then we have Abby and Ducky. So sympathetic – and completely wrong. They scolded me for being prideful. You really think it was about pride? It was more about the fact that I did my job when my whole team was doubting me, after I had just lost the man I thought knew me best in the world, and I did not receive a single thank-you or apology for my work or the way I was treated. Did I really do that bad of a job? Considering not one of you seemed to think me capable, I guess I must have." Before Abby could say anything, Tony rounded on McGee.

" And then we have the Probie." McGee winced at the snarled nickname. "You quite enjoyed making fun of me, didn't you Probie? Almost as much as Ziva did. Now the Probie here decided that since I was demoted I must be a lame agent – no matter that I have years more experience, have busted dozens of drug rings, solved countless homicides solo, have escaped death more times than I care to remember, and am one of the best interrogators in the country. He told me that if I were such a good agent, the Director would have offered me my own team. Well, I got news for ya, Probie – she did." McGee's jaw dropped. "She offered me my own team, no strings attached, with bonus pay, in Spain. But I turned it down, because I thought I needed to be with my _**TEAM**_." The whole team flinched.

"But you know what?" Tony continued. " I guess we aren't a team. Because, as far as I know, teammates don't constantly drag each other down. So I'm leaving this fake little team." He pulled off his badge and gun and left them on the desk. His angry words rang throughout the bullpen, clear and final.

"I quit."

He stormed for the elevator. Abby was crying, begging him not to go. He ignored her. McGee was still in shock. Ziva grabbed his arm. "Tony-" she began. He turned and _looked_ at her. Ziva stumbled back. Tony's eyes were full of grief, rage, and betrayal. Tony turned back to the elevator. Gibbs stood in front of him. "You're a good agent, Tony." Tony laughed coldly. " Yeah, I was. Too bad you didn't realize it until it was too late." Tony brushed past Gibbs as he stood shocked at Tony's tone.

Tony climbed into the elevator, as the doors slid shut, he took one last look at his former team. Abby was sobbing, McGee looked lost, Ziva was ready to rush after him, and Gibbs just stood there. Ducky had just come up from autopsy and was startled to see Tony leaving. Tony was still extremely angry, but he was sad as well. His years at NCIS had been some of the best. He gave them one last, sad grin as the doors slid shut.

**TBC?**

**A/N: I don't know if I really liked this chapter, but it definitely showed Tony's blowup, which is what I wanted it to do….anyway, is this the end of Tony's stay at NCIS? Or should I continue? Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

I Wanna Scream

I Wanna Scream

by Iamakunoichi

**A/N: Tony's feelings after Gibbs came back…..postHiatus. Inspired by cedera.**

A/N: Everyone's kind reviews (and a little bit of begging) have convinced me to continue the story. It looks like its going to be a lot longer than I originally intended…..anyway, here's the third chapter!

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS or any of its characters

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Chapter 3

Tony lay on his couch, gazing dully at the ceiling above him. The remains of last night's pizza and old magazines lay scattered on the floor, while his favorite James Bond movie played on the television. He had done it. He had gone through with his threat and quit the team. He supposed he should feel proud that he had finally made his own decision and left NCIS, but he didn't. Honestly, he didn't know what to think.

He was sick and tired of all the biting remarks, he knew that much. All the mocking glances, the laughing to each other about him behind his back, the whispered complaints amongst each other about his attitude – he didn't miss those. Nor did he miss the biting insults, the sarcastic jibes, the being ignored, the belittlement, or constantly being underestimated. He didn't miss that a bit.

But as he thought back to Abby's sobs as he walked out the door, he felt a twinge of remorse. As he remembered Ducky's shock, McGee's fear, and Ziva's look of abandonment, he almost wanted to go back to NCIS and demand his old job again. Surely Gibbs would let him back on the team – his thoughts stopped cold. _Gibbs_. Tony remembered how Gibbs had ignored him, betrayed him, abandoned him. He remembered Gibbs last words as he offered a feeble, not-even-apology, "You're a good agent, Tony." He snorted. Gibbs had finally done what Tony had always dreamed of – he had acknowledged him. But it was much too little, much too late. Did Gibbs honestly think one measly little compliment would bring him back? That an acknowledgment of Tony's existence would bridge the huge gap caused by Gibbs' behavior, all those little hurts and gaping holes Gibbs words had caused over the years? It was liked trying to slap on a band-aid after his heart had been torn out.

And so Tony had made up his mind and left the team, giving them a piece of his mind as he did so. It was a decision born of anger, but anything had to be better than being abused by his coworkers. No – he had made the right choice.

And yet Tony couldn't shake that little nagging whisper at the back of his head that urged him to get his butt in gear and go back to work. _No, _he told it, _I quit. I'm much better off now and so are they. No more 'stupid Tony' bugging them all day._ The voice in his head went silent, but Tony had to wonder – was he really happy?

-- Scene Change --

It had been two days since Tony 'retired'. The bullpen was eerily quiet. Ziva just stared at nothing, moving as if on autopilot. Her work remained as impeccable as ever, but she had ceased to react – to anything. Gone were her outbursts of temper at her obstinate computer or her smiles when McGee made a fool of himself. She just gazed uncomprehendingly at the empty desk across from her.

McGee was in just about as bad a shape. He had lost his nervousness, but also his verve. He did all of his work neatly and efficiently, but his temper was on a shorter leash than ever before. He was liable to snap at the smallest of things.

Ducky had, by now, been told the whole story. He had been disappointed by Tony's decision to leave but he also understood it. Sensing the mood everyone else was in, he kept his thoughts to himself, not even bothering to chat with his dead bodies, instead focusing on getting the autopsy done as quickly as possible.

Palmer was extremely nervous about the unnatural silence. He was jumpier than ever, and ceased to offer any of his usual cheerful comments. Lee, of course, had been kicked off the team and was now working the legal department, so no one knew how she reacted to the situation. The Director was too busy to allow herself to absorb Tony's departure, so no one knew how she reacted either.

Gibbs sat his desk, as unaffected as ever. He was still a grouchy bastard who put his team through their paces. Yet the team noticed he didn't push them quite so hard, and when no one was looking, his eyes would flick over to Tony's desk and a sort of - not sadness exactly, and not apology (because he was Gibbs, and didn't apologize), but more a kind of regretful grimace, gone in an instant.

Abby sat alone in her lab, huddled in a corner. She squished Bert to her chest, but the farting hippo did not bring her any comfort. She had been crying. _Tony_, she thought, _can't you see how much we miss you? How much we need you? Ziva needs you, McGee needs you, Gibbs needs you…and I need you. I can't believe we made such an awful mistake in letting you slip away…_ The more she thought about it, the more upset she became. Abby stood up, determined. _I'm going to make this right…_

-- Scene Change --

Tony looked up idly as he heard the doorbell ring. Yawning, he made his way to the door. "I'm coming, I'm coming…" Never did he expect the sight that greeted him when he yanked the door open – a miserable Goth looking up at him with sorrowful eyes, her tears causing her mascara to stream down her face.

"Abby?" Tony was surprised. Abby rushed to answer his unspoken question. "Look Tony, I hope you know I never thought of you as inferior and I'm sorry that I made you feel bad and Gibbs was mean to you but you shouldn't have had to leave the team and everyone really misses you and it's not the same with you gone and I just want to say, I'm sorry, please, please don't shut me out." Abby finished all of this in one straight breath and looked up at Tony with pleading eyes.

Tony blinked, then sighed. He drew the door farther open, allowing Abby to enter before closing it again. He and Abby faced each other and announced simultaneously, "We need to talk."

Tony sighed again and ran his hand through his hair. "You go first."

Abby launched in without preamble. "Why did you leave?" Tony sat down, holding his head in his hands. He knew that question would come sooner or later. He glanced at her sideways, debating how much to tell her. His eyes met Abby's imploring gaze. This was _Abby_. He remembered the dirty jokes they'd shared, the many hugs she'd given, the long, anxious nights they'd endured together. This was Abby, and no matter how angry he was, she deserved to know. He drew a deep breath. " Did you want to know why I left in general, or did you want specific reasons?"

Abby was every inch as serious as he was. She looked near to tears and her voice caught as she asked, "Why did you leave _me_? Why didn't you come to me for help?"

Tony was brutally straight with her. " Abby, you wouldn't have listened. Not really. And even if you did, you wouldn't understand. Gibbs is your superhero – he can't do anything wrong. Me? I'm just a kid playing pretend. You would have just waved me off with a hug and assumed I was pouting because I didn't get to play leader anymore." He said all of this perfectly evenly.

Abby was upset. " I wouldn't have done that to you, Tony! I wouldn't!"

"You already did." He told her quietly. " You gave me hugs and lab results, but you never gave me your support or respect. You never believed I'd be a real leader, not like Gibbs was. Every time I walked into your lab, what did I see? Gibbs's face, staring. I know you love him Abs, but it still hurt. Every time you put that picture on the screen, I was reminded yet again of how inadequate I am compared to Gibbs."

Abby's eyes filled with tears. She threw her arms around Tony and buried her face in his shirt. "I'm sorry Tony! I'm so, so, so, so sorry. I had no idea you felt that way."

"And that's what hurt the most, Abby.' Tony said quietly. Abby looked up at him, confused. 'Not one of you knew how, I felt. You all automatically assumed that it was simply hurt pride, that because I laughed all the time and blew you off, that I must be alright. Not one of you bothered to ask how I felt, not when Gibbs left and not when he came back. And maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much, if I hadn't expected you to know me as well as I know me. But apparently you don't. You took me at face value. And it hurt."

Abby hung her head. "I'm sorry Tony." she said in a tiny voice. Tony sighed. 'So am I, Abs, so am I." He was surprised when Abby enveloped him in a hug. "I'll make it up to you Tony," she promised. Her face brightened. "I know! I'll get Gibbs to let you back on the team, everyone really misses you and he always was a sucker for my puppy dog eyes and – " Tony cut her off.

"No Abby." He told her harshly. " I made my decision, and I'm not going back." Abby's face fell, and she searched Tony's eyes desperately, as if pleading with him to tell her it was a joke. "But – " "No, Abby." Tony told her. Inwardly he was touched, but he was determined never to go back to _that place_ again.

Abby was absolutely crushed. She stood up. " I guess I better go, then." Before she left she hesitated, her green eyes once again threatening to overflow. She asked in a quivering voice, " Tony, do you hate me?"

Tony's features softened. He pulled her into one last hug. " I told you before Abs – I could never, ever hate you. Ever." He pulled back and smiled sadly at her. "Alright?" Abby nodded, sniffling. As she walked out the door, she paused one last time. Not looking at Tony, she said. "Everyone really misses you, you know."

Tony's face hardened. He kept his voice harsh. " Yeah, well tell everyone I don't miss them. I'm fine on my own." Tony lied.

Abby nodded and exited quickly out the door, trying to hold the tears back.

Tony sighed as he leaned against the door. He rubbed his face as he stared after Abby. _But I do miss them…._ he thought _….more than they will ever know._ Tony shook his head and went inside, shuttting the door behind him.

A/N: Gah! This chapter was really difficult…I think I rewrote it probably a hundred times. I still don't think it flows right……well, whatever! Tony's starting to have a little doubt! Will he go back to NCIS? Review!


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